A bit has been said in the popular press about the church-going habits of Millennials. Some claim that Millennials are leaving the church in droves while others say that claim is over blown. I have been discipling Millennials for over a decade and helped many move into ministry. Millennials are a seeking generation. They are seeking God and seeking a spiritual life. What they do reject is religion and sometimes things that are guilty by association, like church. Millennials often have a vibrant and growing spiritual life, it is just more likely to be integrated into the whole week and not isolated on Sundays. Millennials are also going to church, but it is more likely to be a non-traditional church like simple/house church, a missional community, or business as ministry. They seek a balanced and integrated life, so they want to live a life-as-mission, and are rejecting a church-as-social-organization type of faith.

Here are 5 things to know in creating a faith community that Millennials want to be a part of.

1. Relationship is Everything

As a generational cohort, Millennials have a high degree of transiency. They will move across the country to be near a friend, they will change jobs and change schools about every two years, and they are seeking. Many of the Millennials I disciple are seeking purpose and a vision for their life. Even at 26 or 27, they are unsure of their place in the world and want to know what they are here for. They are seeking relationship with God and with others.

Millennials are not interested in groups that gather merely for socialization. Paternal organizations such as Elks and Kiwanis Club are dying. Millennials are not joining these social organizations, and the extent to which your church is simply another social organization with regular events, their affinity will wane. Rather, they are looking for purpose and want to be a part of things that give purpose to them. This is a main reason why they are attracted to community focused faith groups. They are looking for answers to their existential crisis of being “Why am I here? What do I have to offer the world? What makes me special or needed?” They will seek out communities of people that build identity into them. They want authentic relationships with God and others, not just one more thing to do.

• Don’t Be a Hater

Nothing turns Millennials off as fast as hate speech. Contentious or politically-laden remarks from the pulpit will empty your church of young people. They understand that you may not agree with things that are happening in the culture – they may not either. But they know and care about people who fit in the category that is being spoken against and they will defend a friend before they defend a religious or political position. They are comfortable with people having different points of view.

The other thing about being a Hater that harms ministry to Millennials is that they are very self-conscious and self-aware of personal failure. A strong fear of rejection (based in strong feelings of being rejected) means they are not interested in joining a community that rejects – anyone. They see this as an indication that it is just a matter of time before they do something that will cause your church to reject them too. And who would stick around for that?

• Acceptance is the Key to Their Heart

This strong sense of rejection is as pervasive as air in their lives. They feel it everywhere, read it in everything, and it leads to anxiety and depression (which have both skyrocketed in people from age 8 to 30). Their world, full of marketing and flash-pan celebrity, is constantly telling them they are doing it wrong. “You don’t wear this? You’re doing it wrong.” “You don’t have a massive following on your blog or Instagram? You’re doing it wrong.” “You don’t have a career and are changing the world? You’re doing it wrong.” Church should not be one more place they hear that they are doing it wrong. Millennials want to be accepted for who they are, and where they are. They don’t want to be ‘fixed;’ they want to be loved.

I often hear concern that to accept people means to agree with them. While these might have been synonymous terms in the past, they are different concepts for Millennials. Millennials will not have a problem if you disagree with them and they can hold differing world-views in tension. They grew up in a complex global society, so they are comfortable with the gray areas. As long as they feel accepted and loved, they can handle diverse opinions.

• Don’t Assume

The other side of that coin is don’t assume that just because they know you love them and accept them, that they will change what they are doing to please you. Millennials are burnt out on performance-based relationships. If that transactional dynamic enters into the equation, where they have to perform for approval (aka love), they will leave.

Also don’t assume that you know them. Millennials are a highly studied generational cohort and many generalizations have been written about them (like this blog). Don’t assume that because you have read up on Millennials that you know what makes them tick. They are a large cohort full of great diversity. What they want, what we all really want, is to be known and seen for who we are, individually, uniquely. Take the time to get to know them and build authentic relationship.

• Don’t Hold onto the Past

Every time a Baby Boomer bemoans the state of the world and future, a Millennial goes into deeper depression. Wishes of returning to “good old days” and laments that the “world is a worse place than it was 20 or 30 years ago” increases the self-doubt that Millennials already feel. It also communicates rejection to them. It speaks that they are not the future people wanted. It tells them that they are not going to change the world and that they are “doing it wrong.” It makes hope feel more distant.

Instead, help them gain a vision for the future – one that is worth living for. Help them know they have a purpose in being here and a reason to keep going. Move towards that future with expectant joy. Get to know them and let them find a purpose in giving you the gift of hope of better things to come.

Next time we will talk about 5 ways to move Millennials from pew warmers to emerging leaders in your congregation.